" None of my fears can go where I'm headed." - QUEEN BEY
If I could title Chapter 29 of my life, it would be called transitioning. I started the year off in the hospital, but that wasn't the hardest part. It was after coming home and trying to adjust to my new body. It was disorienting being in my usual surroundings but feeling anything but ordinary.
I thought going home would make everything go back to normal, but even back home, I had to adjustments. I had to buy a body brace and pillow to sleep in my bed. So, despite my external world being the same, internally, I was anything but- ironically, this is how all changes/transformation happen.
When you are starting to make a change, you become more aware of your body and your place in the world. Take, for instance, my passion to "get my shit together." It came about because I knew 3-0 was coming, and I didn’t want it to sneak up on me. So, I started a mission of self-mastery, and I was proud of my progress until February. (A month before my 30th birthday). If you follow me on IG, you could tell that I was going through it. Anything and everything that could fall apart fell apart. Work, money, writing relationship, everything.
Thirty was coming, and my life still looked the same. I made the necessary changes, lost friends took risks and L's, but everything was the same. I was tired of it! It didn’t feel fair that I did all this work, and there was still no tangible reward. One morning, I had a full breakdown. I was literally in my truck, screaming at God. I told him I'm tired of making changes. I’m tired of being uncomfortable. I’m tired of being alone, and I'm beyond tired of waiting. It wasn't the next day or even the following week. But slowly over time, God revealed to me that despite making necessary changes- there was still more to learn. There were three significant concepts I wasn't grasping, and it wasn’t until he (God) forced me to speak up at my job that I got it. The first lesson was teaching me the power of my words. He showed me that when I speak clearly and not from a place of being emotional. Things happen; people move and try to accommodate me. I was sitting on my power the entire time. While I was trying to be "easy-going" and not cause problems, God was teaching me to speak my truth and stand up for myself.
The other lesson is something I’m still trying to get comfortable with, and that's being alone. I have put myself in the craziest positions, all in the name of not wanting to be lonely. But despite doing stupid and unthinkable shit, I still found myself in this position. The idea of chasing my dream alone was terrifying. I didn’t want to do it alone. I would rope people into my schemes only to would be disappointed when they didn’t share my same enthusiasm when it was never a vision or passion to share. I would put myself into situations where I had to shrink myself when God was trying to get me to stand out. I learned the difference between avoiding a situation because I’m avoiding conflict; and leaving a situation because it no longer serves me. My entire life has been about me wanting to "fit in." But like Drake tried to tell me: “You can’t be worrying about fitting in when your custom made.”
As uncomfortable as it feels, God is trying to get me to be comfortable with standing on my own, and I'm learning to embrace it. I’m learning to speak openly and honestly without worrying about if people will get it or not. I’m learning that it's not necessary to be jealous of what anyone has because it only fucks up my vibration. So, it's best to look at it as inspiration.
What I couldn’t see in February, was that though nothing on the outside had changed. But internally, I have changed. What I couldn't see in February, is that everything (niggas included) I wanted- eventually I got it. I am a master manifester, so why would this time be any different? As my birthday got closer, I found myself growing more excited. I always envisioned going into my thirties bare-foot and pregnant. And though, I’m not physically pregnant- I have my book- I have Honestly Sis- I have Yoga- and best of all, I have a brand-new perspective on life. I’m going into my thirties pregnant with this book, and bare-foot grounded in my mind and body. So, in a sense, once again, I have manifested another idea into reality.
My teens were all about me, fitting in. My twenties were about learning how to stand out. I don' t knows what this decade will bring- but I have a feeling it's going to be one of the best ones yet. At the age of 30, I enrolled in my first acting workshop class. While some may think it's lame or a long shot. It brings tears to my eyes because of the first time in my life; I'm not going around trying to figure out my dream. I'm going for that muthafucka! I’m putting myself in the environment I want to be in, and being in that class was a start. The course and final workshop performance proved to me that acting will always be my first love. I vowed to myself that I will see that dream through, but not right now.
I must do what God has put on my heart first and know that he will deliver the rest. Do I know how it’s going to happen? No, but everything in my being tells me that one day I’ll be on the big screen. One day I’ll be able to say, "I'm a working actress." Just like when I become a New York Times Bestseller and the owner of the Honestly Sis print magazine.
The final lesson was that change, real change happens on the inside first, and then your external has no choice but to match it. What I know for sure is that when you’re in alignment and connected to sources, there is nothing you can’t have or do! You are about to bear witness to a Goddess at work. Mark my words.
Welcome to my coming out year,