“I meet the goalpost when it's movin'
They say I can't, then I do it!”
Megan Thee Stallion, Sunday Service Remix
I met a healer who once said there is a difference between knowing and believing. I didn’t understand it at the time, but now I know that she meant there is a difference between believing something will happen and knowing it will happen. The former requires a person to trust their emotions, inklings, and, most importantly, their heart. I used to not trust my emotions. I used to believe that life would be so much better for me if I would simply learn how to suppress them. I was so ashamed of how emotional I could be, and I hated my sensitivity so much that I wished that I could be like other people.
But now I know that my feelings and emotions are how I communicate with God (universe or insert your favorite word). Which is a massive switch in thinking because when I was younger, I believed that I had to be perfect to communicate with God. Whenever I sinned, I would later find myself repenting profusely. I would feel guilty for any wrongdoing I’ve done, and I truly believed that my sinful ways were the reason for all the bad I've experienced in life. In other words, I felt like I deserved the bad that I received. But now I know that God is not Santa Claus, making a list and checking it twice. His job isn't to judge but to observe.
Now, I know for sure that God didn't want me to be perfect. He just wanted me to be honest. So instead of holding it all in, I now allow myself time to cry and really let God know how I feel. I would tell him all about my hurt and pains and what I needed help with, and every single time, he would respond. One time, I was feeling so down about everything that I yelled at God and my spirit team. I told them that they didn’t have my back, and they had no idea how hard it was to be human. Afterwards, I went on a walk with Cudi to get myself out of my head and feelings.
We turned down this street, and I kid you not, the grass for several houses was littered with white feathers. Now it could have just been a cat or bird getting into a fight. But I just knew that it was a sign from my spirit team letting me know they had my back! According to Google, in many spiritual paths, white feathers are considered a sign that one's spirit guide is attempting to communicate with them. Last year I had the opportunity to do a few tarot parties, and every single time, without fail, I would get a string of people asking me how I knew that the spirit world was real. I would give them the example of my black healing circle or even tell them the story about the feathers.
But what truly got me to trust God was a dream I realized on a Sunday night at Universal Studios. A few weeks before the trip, I did shrooms for the first time. It was not the hippy trippy shrooms experience from Knocked Up. Instead, it was hella crying but in a totally emotionally healing way! That night, I had a dream that I did magic. I woke up so excited because I literally felt my body teleport. I had no idea what the dream meant, but flash forward a few months and my favorite cousin is inviting me on a trip to Disney World. Being a long-time Harry Potter fan, I couldn’t go all the way to Orlando without going to Universal Studios.
So that Sunday morning, I got into the rental jeep, got some Starbucks, and drove myself to the park. The idea of going by myself sounded great at the time, but now that I was actually doing it, I was terrified. What would people think about me? Come to find out, not much when you're in your own world. After a few drinks, I was able to get out of my head and enjoy being at Universal Studios. I went on several rides, got lost trying to find Hogsmeade, and when I finally found it, I morphed into my pre-teen self. I brought a wand, butter beer, and for just a moment, I wasn't alone.
I was with my inner child laughing and smiling in total glee. I was finally at the place that I'd watched and read about since I was in middle school! That day, I both realized and birthed new dreams. But when it came time to ride the Harry Potter ride, I was stopped in my tracks. I was so scared because I couldn’t actually see the ride. (Did I mention I'm terrified of rollercoasters?) I looked up the ride online, and the reviews made it sound terrifying. So, I decided to call it a night. As I re-boarded the Hogwarts Express, something began to nag at me. But I brushed it off.
I made it all the way to the other side of the park and was about to leave, when something wouldn’t let me! I had this nagging feeling that I couldn't leave the park like that, so I turned around and forced myself to face my fears. I just knew I couldn't come all this way and not ride one Harry Potter ride. So I went back silently chanting to myself, this is for Harry, and guess what? That feeling that I experienced months ago is precisely what I felt on that ride. That ride ended up being the best ride I've ever ridden in my life.
I got to go inside the Hogwarts castle, and for the umpteenth time that day, I felt like I was in the Harry Potter movie. Afterwards I legit cried tears of joy. All that debating and researching I did, didn't even matter in hindsight because ultimately, the dream revealed that the choice had already been made. Which makes me think, is that why I had the nudge to go back in the first place? The cherry on top was as I got off the ride, everyone was gearing up for the light show and I got to snag a golden spot.
It was the perfect ending to the day. It felt like a graduation and I could have never imagined that it would have turned out that way! After that day, I vowed to trust myself, my feelings and to never be afraid to do shit scared. It also made me realize that instead of worrying and debating, I should just trust my feelings and live! I always thought that surrendering to God meant being passive and not doing anything. But surrendering is actually a very active practice. It means you do everything that’s within your power and trust that something bigger than you can fill in the gaps. It's a lot like Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan.
My only job is to stay open and trust the that I will be given the ball at the perfect time. I am giving up control, giving up expectations, and instead, I'm focusing on the process. Having that dream and then going on that ride made me realize that the things I’ve felt in my dreams can manifest in real life. So why not trust it? That experience proved to me that God and the spiritual world are real! I am choosing to believe in the power of the unseen.
It may not make sense, but I've come to learn that God is not something you can understand, it's only something you can experience.
AM
JOURNAL PROMPTS:
Have you ever had a dream that stay with you when you woke up?
Did you write it down or take note of how you felt?
Did the dream or what you felt manifest in real life?
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