“Some of us do deserve it.
A love that's true and perfect.”
- Jhene Aiko
I was teased a lot when I was younger, like a lot. In school for my clothing, in the neighborhood for my mole, and around family for being "sensitive." I spent a lot of time reading books and watching movies. Disney movies.
There was no safe space for me in the physical world- so I created a world in my head. I would fantasize about me being cooler. Or me being famous when I grew up. I would stand in the mirror, practicing my acceptance speeches. Or I would practice mock interview questions while walking down the street. I was the shit in my head, and love stories were no exception to that rule.
My imagination has always been a safe space. No matter what happened in the "real world," I would find a way to morph it into something useful in my head. As I grew up, I never quite grew out of that trait. Projecting, hoping, calculating, and dreaming was a part of my DNA. I never thought this trait was problematic until recently, and even then, it took some help for me to see it. During a therapy call in the midst of telling a story, I began with "I expected," and my therapist kindly cut me off: “Do you notice that you do that a lot?”
My first instance was to be defensive. Then I stopped because my therapist had a point. At that moment, a movie montage of this pattern began to play out in my mind. Like Molly from Insecure, I was a victim of magical thinking. Others may call it calculating. Some may even call it manipulative. But for me, it was just a way of life. I have gone through my life, thinking, "If I do this," then "they would do that." Or if I "say this," then they will "say that." I lived my life like a math equation and getting my feelings hurt every time reality didn't match my expected results.
One of my favorite bible quotes is, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed. You can move mountains.” I used to walk around with a mustard seed in my wallet, just hoping and praying God would change my life. It wasn’t until I was well out of college that I got the other part of that famous bible quote: “Faith without works is dead.” It took me nearly my whole life to realize; it's not enough to hope and pray your life will turn out alright. You have to take action and make conscious decisions. One of my favorite movies was Beauty and the Beast. Belle would find herself with this monster who was mean to her because he didn’t know how to express his love. But as the movies always ended, despite the mistreatment, in the beginning, it ended happily ever after.
I had no idea how much I had internalized this fantasy. I always went for the tough guys and the assholes. The ones who were too cool to show they believed in love. Like a mentally impaired superhero, I would swoop in to save the day. I took on winning their hearts like it was my duty. I would get a rush when they fell in love, but it was never enough. My view of relationships was fucked up. I took natural red flags as obstacles that I had to overcome. I didn't allow men to be the Prince Charming. I took on that role, despite wanting them to save me deep down inside.
I was desperate for love and acceptance that I never got. I equated sex to love and in my mind, if a man fucked me: I was liked and loveable. But there is a big difference between fucking and loving. I learned the hard way; they are not synonymous. But this was a pattern I developed from my parent’s emotional absence in my childhood. Each boyfriend was a substitute for my Dad’s lack of love and attention. The sad part is my "habit" of projecting wasn't allowing me to see this reality. Or even accept the fact that my Dad wasn't nice to me. He didn't protect me, and he was always letting me down. Of course, all my past relationships were a recipe for disaster.
In my mind, I thought that if a man (who was just like my Dad) could love me, I could heal all the times my Dad didn’t. But the mind is nothing but a human storage container, and the universe doesn’t work that way. My wounded heart and mind were unconsciously creating the same pattern with every man that I encountered. The process of co-creating with the universe requires two things: The first is to align with your thoughts fully, then your words, and finally, your actions. By keeping those things in alignment, you can bring any vision or idea to life. But what it boils down to is: people don’t get what they “think” they should have. They get what they believe in their hearts. Our beliefs are what ultimately drives our actions.
After my break up with Sincere, I got serious about what I believed in relationships. Not the Disney versions or even the society version, my version of happily ever after. I realized that as much as I wanted to be spoiled. I wanted a partner that understood and could handle my ambitious side. I want someone who can have deep ass conversation about the afterlife and multi-universe. But still, turn up with me when the latest Drake track comes on. I need someone who can let their hair down and make me laugh. But get serious when it’s necessary. I’m a walking contradiction, but I am who I am.
I don’t want to be like Madame CJ Walker and have my own damn husband trying to take my empire down. I need to have a partner who can see and accept all sides of me. One day I was doing yoga, and the instructor told us that every time our hands came to our hearts say, “I am enough." I did it all of maybe three times before that simple phrase sent me into full a meltdown. It cracked open this underlying limiting belief inside of me. I realized that I struggled with feeling like I wasn't good enough my entire life. It had affected every area of my life and was stopping my manifestations.
During that yoga flow, it was as though a light switch flipped on inside of me. I always thought that my life, my relationships were so hard because I deserved it. That because I was chubby, crazy, or black and weird: I was destined for a hard life. I thought I had to earn love. But no one has to earn love. We are worthy of it simply because we exist. After that session, I made a conscious choice to heal this wound. I listened to hypnosis tracks and re-upped on my crystals. But I also created a new vision of a healthy relationship in my mind.
I created a new definition of love and family for myself. Which included no longer accepting what’s been normal or projected and expect of me. Society, movies, television, and even IG, say to be a whole, healthy, and successful adult, you should have friends, a man, and a home. But at what cost? Big Sean said it best: "If it cost peace of mind, it's too high." Now, I could be in a room full of people, but I will quietly exit stage left if the vibe is off. I no longer desire to hang out with people, to say that I’m doing something. I am now moving in full alignment. This means I don’t do things that I don’t want to do, and I follow my gut. No matter what. I have learned that it is much better to be alone; than to be in a room and feel alone.
I am on a mission to find my tribe and my soul family. I now not only know but believe that I am enough. I have decided that I can and will have it all: a popping career, a loving, handsome, ambitious husband, and a beautiful, peaceful home life. I look forward to attracting from this whole and happy space.
Elon Musk has a famous quote that says, “Happiness is reality minus expectations.” The reality of my situation is that no matter how much I want love and companionship, I'm in a season of my life where God wants me to stand on my own. To learn to enjoy my own company, and I'm no longer fighting it.
The final and most crucial part of co-creating with the universe is learning to trust the universe's flow and divine timing. So, I made a vow to myself that I will not enter another relationship until I can learn to be alone- for real this time. I am fully surrendering to the universe, not just to bring my creative dreams to life. But my dream life into full manifestation.
I trust myself and God to deliver. If these seven years have taught me anything, it’s to walk it as I talk it, go with the flow, and never go against the current of life. For the first time, I am living and creating consciously with the universe. Are you doing the same?
-AM
JOURNAL PROMPT:
Do you feel worthy of love?
What is your favorite childhood movie? Is it a reflection of your love life?