"I got dreams, to buy expensive things
And I know that he's out there
So where's my millionaire?"
Jazmine Sullivan
You’ve seen me mourn a relationship, cry over family, friends, and everything in between. Now you get to hear about the "dating" me. At the start of writing this letter, it is Fall 2021, and I am about a month removed from Sincere. Yet my body is aching at our regular rhythm. The longest my body has gone without sex out of nine years is about a month. Now I am starting to feel the burn. Am I a sex fend because of my sexual desires? Is this natural?
Since I was a child, I have always tip-toed on the fast side. Some at my own doing and some due to a fucked upbringing. I have always fantasied about boys and imagined these intense love-making sessions. I couldn't wait till I had the moment to do the whole one-leg kiss thing. (You know the one from the movies!) But outside of forcing it a few times, it has never quite happened naturally. The truth is that I have always craved intimacy. But I don't know if I have ever truly experienced it. I have had moments of having slow, kissable sex but have I ever truly made love? I don't know.
Last summer, I had a dream where I kissed this guy. I don't remember the guy or honestly where we were, but I remembered the kiss when I woke up that morning. I found myself thinking about it all day, and even now, I can just smile at the thought of it. I have never been kissed like this before in my life. The kiss went deeper than he just had nice lips or how the kiss felt. But rather how he made me feel. The intimacy that I have been craving my whole life was in that kiss lingering beneath the surface. Have you ever experienced a kiss like this?
It was a longing, a passion, and this desire that I have never known nor felt. He kissed me like he wanted me- like he needed me- and couldn’t get enough of me. Yet the kiss wasn't physical, rushed, hard, or sloppy. It was soft, gentle, and subtle. The first kiss wasn't long. It was brief, like we would do it a million times for the rest of our lives. It was too brief, so brief, that I asked him for another. And he happily obliged. We kissed once more, and it still wasn't enough. Typing this, I get tears in my eyes, thinking about the love that I felt in that simple kiss. The more that I think about it- even- when I don’t want to think about it- the kiss lingers in the back of my mind. What does it all mean?
According to a random Google search, dreaming of a passionate kiss can indicate a new love coming "your way ." New love excites me. Despite unpopular opinions, I am not a hot girl. I’m not even a mild girl. I do not belong to the streets. I prefer to be at home, in a yoga class, or at some new restaurant with great food and incredible drinks. I am a relationship girl. I have told you several times that I am a hopeless romantic. Love is in my blood. It is in my DNA to be this way, which brings me to my current dilemma. So remember that episode of Insecure when Issa found herself crying into Nathan’s mouth?
Well, how about instead of kissing, imagine putting your legs into the air, mid-stroke, and then having a total break-down. That is what happened to me one summer in 2009. I had recently broken up with a long-time crush turned boyfriend. Looking back on it, I don’t know why I thought the relationship would work. But a few orgasms and a drive to Hampton University, turned what should have been a summer fling into a turbulent year-long relationship. Despite the short time, I was hooked on my ex and struggling to get over it. (I told you I don't handle breakups well)
Meanwhile, he quickly got over the relationship and got another girl pregnant (who he would later marry)—closing the door for any backtracking. To be honest, finding out he slept with me the day his girlfriend went into labor (and later delivered) stamped in my mind: HE WAS NOT THE ONE. I was disgusted more by myself than him! But how could I have known?! Anyway, I was hurt in my feelings and listening to horrible advice. You know the one: the quickest way to get over a man is to get under a new one.
If you don't know, this horrible advice doesn’t work. Because instead of getting my back blown out, I found myself locked in my bathroom, crying on the toilet about said ex. While the guy with the deflating penis waited in my bedroom for me to get my shit together! Unlike Issa, I didn't try to get the guy to stay the night. I explained I had just broken up with my boyfriend, and he took it relatively well. To make it up, a few weeks later, I hit him up and we went all the way. I feel like he fucked me great just off the strength of making him wait. That summer, he was my go-to penis until I went back to school. Then eventually, I met Sincere. Which is just a long way of me saying that- me and this guy have a history. He is a certified great rebound fuck.
Now we have been through a lot. I have spilled my guts to you, so it would only be fitting that I am blunt here and say I am horny, like a teenager who just lost her virginity horny! My body is on this stupid rhythm, and I am itching to break it. And guess who wants to do that honor? Yep, Mr. Blast from The Past. There was a time earlier this summer when I was going to take him up on his offer- but eventually, I ended up declining. But thanks to good ole Mercury Retrograde, he's back again, and I don't know how to feel.
On paper, he's a great guy. But do I genuinely like him? Do I see myself with him? Hell no, and I fear that if I start to sleep with him and the sex is good, I’ll eventually forget I don’t like him and settle for him. I feel like Kim Kardashian. I came too far to not end up happy. I want that kiss. But is that a crazy thought? To wait for some imagery person to sweep me off my feet. It feels like I still haven’t learned from all those damn rom-com and fairy tale movies. And yet, I still have hope. Maybe I will experience that kiss, but is it crazy for me to wait for it? Or should I just fuck around? I have had a few other dreams about the guy! Unfortunately, we haven’t kissed again. But we did meet at a concert, he stood up for me in front of a group of guys, and despite just meeting me, he offered to take me to the airport once.
In each dream that I have had with this guy, the one thing that has always remained is his love for me. Like it feels like it's just oozing off of him! But not in a corny way. In College, Forty-Year-Old Virgin was my favorite movie. The whole plot is to get Andy to just fuck somebody before he finally fucked the one. And honestly, I feel like I am at that point. Should I just be fucking a brunch of hood rats? Or should I wait for my kissing prince charming to come? I guess we will all have to stay tuned and see! To date, I have not slept with Mr. Blast from the Past. Nor have I kissed anyone who lived up to the kiss of my dreams and I’ve beaten my “no-sex” record.
I made a mental shift to just live my life and see what life brings. Apart of me wants to give up on this idea that I am going to find this super successful man who's fine and all about me. But writing this letter reminds me of that fire, that desire and I just can’t give up hope. I will get to experience that kiss in real life. Moving forward, I have created new rules for myself to protect me from my romantic ways. I won't be fucking a brunch of hood rats. Instead, I have decided that I will only fuck people I actually like. (Don't side-eye me because you know what I mean when I say this!) You know how you can meet a guy, and you're not really attracted to him. But because he has a good personality and can make you laugh- you let him in. Next thing you know, you have fallen in love with him, and you two have been together for five years with two kids. That cannot be me!
What I loved about Sincere and what probably kept us together so long is that we were mutually attracted to each other. I have to keep that same energy moving forward! It is important to me that I have a love that excites and inspires me! I want to experience real love. Earlier this year, I mentioned that I don't feel any different than I did when I was younger. What I mean by this, is that I still have these big dreams like a child. I still have desires about how I want to live my life. When I typed that thought, I asked myself: when will I stop thinking like this? When will I grow up and settle into the reality of life right here and now?
I almost did. After another rejection from a fellowship, there was a part of me that said, "Enough of this. No more dreaming big." I even began to do sleep hypnosis tracks to accept and surrender to the now. I believed it worked. On the weekend of my birthday, I allowed all the walls I placed around my heart to fall away. I let go of the burden and the drama of the past. I accepted the here and now. I love the life that I am creating for myself. I like who I am becoming, not just as an artist but as a person. Then I typed up this letter, and once again, I couldn't help but think, what if?
To date, I have vowed off dating websites. Because if I'm honest, I'm not a ‘meet over’ apps type girl. Despite being a writer, it's actually hard for me to find the right words via dating apps. I either come off too dorky or too aloof. I am more of an in-person girl. See you at a party and catch your eye type of girl. When I think about all my serious relationships, I realize that I always kind of stumbled into them. Despite wanting to find them, each and every one of them has found me in the most unexpected ways. But that's life, right? You can't exactly plan to the letter and detail when you will meet the love of your life. Or can you?
My life right now is one big experiment. One big-ass trust fall into if all this spiritual shit is real. Can you change your life just by changing your mind? Can you find the love of your life simply by loving yourself? Stay tuned as I challenge the universe to bend to my will. Honestly Sis is secretly becoming this experiment of if you can see, dream, and speak it - can you birth it into reality? I guess we will see. Some may find it foolish to speak or dream of things like this at my “big age". But it also feels foolish to deny the reality of the life that I want to lead. Having these dreams about this man makes me feel like he is real. Like he’s out there, somewhere, just waiting for me.