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The Death of Old Am

"I need more than a text message.

You gon' have to pull off somethin' impressive."

Ari Lennox


Loneliness almost got the best of me, but horniness revealed another side of me. I should have known that the weekend wouldn’t end well when I started it by re-downloading Tinder. I thought it was good luck when I was immediately matched with a cute girl. But the introduction of a boyfriend turned what could have been a promising conversation into another letdown. So, when I saw the girl with the cute picture but a questionable bio, I hesitated, swiped, and we matched right away. She wasted no time responding and asked me what I wanted to do!



My countless porn fantasy of a woman’s head between my legs came to mind. I didn’t want to be thirsty… but let it be known that I was down for an adventure! Accompanied by a purple-devil emoji. (Ok, maybe it wasn't that subtle) I put down my phone, went back to my life, and was pleasantly surprised when she responded by asking me if I would be down for a meet-up tonight. Those warm and fuzzies quickly turned into butterflies. I replied back, "Tonight- tonight?” As I waited for the response, the butterflies turned into a ball, which dropped when she said “Yes ."


As much shit as I talked, I wasn't about that life. I don't know if I was simply overthinking. But suddenly, facts and stories from all the true crime podcasts I watched popped into my head. I knew that there was no way that I could see it through. I cracked a joke about a scam and true crime. She assured me she wasn't trying to kill me and just wanted to have a fun night. I laughed, made some other off-hand remark, and ghosted our conversation. Now I am desperately horny but refusing to backtrack to Sincere. I felt the need to re-establish my energy dominance and gain independence from that relationship. So, I went back to an old faithful.



An old memory of our last time together popped into my mind. So, I went to Instagram and hit him with a: Hey, Big Head? He responded, and not wanting to waste time, I made a slutty-flirty comment. Gratefully he picked up on it, and immediately he began to talk shit about how he would give me the work! I smiled as he bragged about how he would have my legs shaking for hours. Feeling bold and empowered, I responded: Prove it. Since I knew this man, all of the apprehension was gone. The next thing I knew, we were discussing where this would all go down. Suddenly, I was having doubts about getting the hotel room or going to his house.

Instead, I tapped into my She’s Got To Have It spirit and said fuck it, just come over here. I will tell you right now, that was a horrible mistake. Because suddenly everything began to move very fast, and before I could change my mind, he pulled up. The butterflies flew in my stomach as the reality of what I was about to do sank in. When I woke that morning, I had no intentions of being here, yet here I was, about to get some dick! When he arrived at my door, and my stomach turned. Standing at the door was not the man I'd known from my younger years. It was clear that our time apart had gotten the best of him. But I've had my own struggles, so who was I to judge if he put on a few or more than a few pounds?


I plastered on a superficial smile and forced myself to take advantage of the moment. But I have to be honest, the moment he got there, all the freaky shit went out the window. The only thing I could think was: What the fuck am I doing? Before I continue, you must know I have been genuinely blessed regarding sex. Outside of a rough start, I have only had one or two “bad” sex experiences. It helps that I am one of the few and fortunate women who can climax relatively easily. So, to willingly put myself in the position to have sex with someone I didn't like has never happened. But in my horniness, I convinced myself I could fuck this guy and be ok.


I even thought the lack of physical and emotional attraction would be a bonus! But the moment we entered the room, I knew I made a horrible mistake! Whenever he touched me, I felt myself jump! When he tried to kiss me, I almost wanted to throw up. Yet, the people-pleaser in me just couldn’t tell him to stop. How could I stop this thing that I have started in the first place? How could I tell this man I didn't want to fuck him because he didn’t look how I expected? I didn’t want to crush his feelings. So, I let him give me head and closed my eyes, trying to think about anything but what was happening. Unsurprisingly, I struggled to climax. So I faked it and put on a condom.



As he slid inside of me, I literally wanted to cry. Suddenly, I couldn't help but think about all the women who had to do this for a living. Women who had been sexually assaulted. Yet here I was, willingly putting myself in this position because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings. I had never been so mad and disappointed in myself. While he was grunting and humping, I realized that meaningless sex is just not worth it! Sex is way too intimate of an act to do it just for the thrills. Gratefully I didn’t have to suffer long. When it was all over, I sighed in relief. While walking him to the door, he turned to me and asked: Why do I have a feeling I will never see you again?


I made an joke and let him out.I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was right. When he left, I stripped my sheets, flipped my mattresses, and scrubbed my skin under hot water. I was like Zoë Kravitz in that movie Kimi! Except that I also sage. Then vowed to myself that I would neverever do that again. As I scrubbed my face and brushed my teeth, I cursed myself for the hundredth time that night. And when I finally laid down, I cried. A real nasty and ugly cry. Looking back on it, I know it was because I was ashamed of myself.



How many times was I going to put the feelings of others above my own? I knew right then my “old life” was gone. My old ways of soothing and distracting myself would no longer work. There was no “old” me to get back to. She was gone and so were the days of meaningless sex. That night I cried at the death of old Am. I also cried because the future scared the shit out of me! Now, I would have no choice but to surrender to the will and divine timing of the universe. I had to trust that the visions God revealed to me would come to pass.


I am in the chapter of my life where I had to move pass trust, beyond belief, and straight into walking by faith. There will be no shortcuts. I simply had to do the work. The work to love on myself. The work to learn how to be alone. The work to release my people-pleasing ways. I also have to learn to respect myself enough to wait for what I want! Which is real love and honest passion. I want to experience that kiss from my dreams and meet the man that God has designed for me.



Or, at the very least, meet a few "Mr. or Ms. Right-Now's"

until Mr. Right comes my way!


-AM


JOURNAL PROMPT:

  • Have you ever started something and immediately wanted it to end?

  • Did you stop or continue on? How did it make you feel?

  • Would you consider yourself a people pleaser?

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