"We formed a new religion. No sins as long as there's permission. Deception is the only felony."
Have you ever thought about just how far, we’ve come as a society when it comes to sex? Remember trying to watch porn through the static adult channel? Or staying up late to wait for Uncut to come on? (“I want to know what that thang smell like!”) If you can’t relate to that, remember when Janet had the ‘nip slip’ at the Super Bowl in 2004? Recently, Nicki had a similar experience at Made in America; and I only heard about it from listening to a podcast.
You can log onto just about any website and see some form of porn, whether you want it or not. You can walk down any street in the summer and see a girl’s ass hanging out of her shorts. Or her nipples winking back at you, from under a sheer blouse. And I’m not saying this to clothing or slut shame! I say it, simply to show, no one cares about seeing nudity. However, outside of wearing less clothing’s, women are still not comfortable talking about “taboo” subjects.
Take for example Amber Rose, she’s been pushing the “slut walk” and reclaiming “hoe-word" narrative. But let someone ask her about sucking dick, or the freakiest thing she ever done and suddenly she’s not that freaky.
We’ve all been taught, a man doesn’t like a “hoe”, he wants a “good girl”. She can show up to church in an Ariana Grande dress, but she better not have fucked more than two guys. It seems that we can accept women working at the strip clubs,dressing like strippers but a woman is still not allowed to demonstrate “hoe” behavior. It’s as though our sexual liberation is only ok under the approval of male standards. That's a problem for me.
Have you ever listened to “The War of the Roses?” Here in Michigan it’s a Top 40 radio station segment. Where a man or women, suspects that their spouse is cheating on them; Mojo calls the alleged cheating spouse and say that they are giving away a free bouquet of roses. All they have to do, is say who they would like to have them sent too. Of course, this is where all the mess begins.
This particular morning, it was a guy sending flowers to the girl, his wife invited to a threesome. Before you try to be optimistic, no, it wasn’t a friendly offering, he was still fucking her. After they argued on the phone, true to tradition, they opened up the phone lines to get listeners feedback. Female caller after caller, called in to say how “stupid” the woman was for giving him a threesome. One caller, even went so far to say, “What did she expect to happen?” Not one person called in to talk about how the man was the one to blame; because now instead of having two pussies at his disposable, he only has one and a pending divorce. Yet, somehow it’s all the woman’s fault. I know what you’re thinking: So, Am, are you going to sit here and say she wasn’t stupid? I’m really going to sit here and tell you she wasn’t stupid.
We know that society has a double standard for men and women, when it comes to the subject of sex. A man can knock down a hundred chicks, and he’s the man! A woman does the same; and she’s a hoe. We’ve all had those endless debates, but it seems somewhere along the lines, women have started to internalize this double standard. Let’s go back to Ariana, everyone talked about how inappropriate her dress was, but no one batted an eye at the creepy old men looking, until he touched a titty. It’s like men aren’t expected to control their sexual urges, but a woman, damn well better try. (But, that’s another talk for another day.)
When Teyanna Taylor released “K.T.S.E”, everyone wanted to know if the 3-Waysong was real or not. Charlemagne didn’t even ask Teyanna, instead he directed his questions to Iman. Teyanna had to quickly get him together and say: “It doesn’t have shit to do with him, this was something that she wanted.” The thing about threesomes in pop culture, is that they have become the next cool thing to do. It’s suddenly the thing any girl can do to “make her man happy”. Everything about the experience or the idea to have one, is geared towards a man and his pleasure. Which makes me wonder? Do people really think that women are incapable of being sexually attracted to another woman without the approval of a man?
And I’m not speaking in terms of lesbians; I’m speaking in terms of women who are bi-sexual. Women who wants to experience sex with both sexes, because it’s just something she wants to fucking do. Why do we applaud Nola Darling for having four different partners (including a woman) but turn our nose up when a woman invites another woman into her bedroom? This was part of my reasoning for coming out to my Mom this summer.
I want to live my life for me, this was a part of that. I didn’t have to tell my Mom this information. I’ve been in a committed hetero - relationship for seven years. I felt that it was important to reveal this information, because my Mom, like most older blacks, have a problem with the gays. (And have no problem vocalizing it.) I felt like a hypocrite, allowing her to speak about that community, when I’m secretly a part of it.
It’s so easy as a “bisexual” woman, to live a life completely in the closet and under the radar. I could have kept this fantasy to be with women to myself and end up pulling a Glennon Doyle (she wrote a book about saving her marriage, then left her husband for a woman) But why deny a part of myself? Why build shame inside of myself? So, in my office on-call room, I told my Mom that I was bi-sexual.
Back to threesomes: You shouldn’t even be considering a threesome, if this isn’t something that you are truly interested in. Threesomes, like all sexual activities, are best when everyone involved wants to be there. If there is an issue of cheating or trust, you really shouldn’t be having a threesome. Sis let me say this, threesome is not an experience you can give to your man to “make him stay”. Or to keep him happy. If you don’t trust him, then you damn sure won’t trust him with another party involved. So why purposely put yourself through that? You don’t want to be the only one in the room, counting the number of times he fucked her versus you. (That’s not fun for anyone).
When considering a threesome, the last thing you should be thinking about, is pleasing him. This is about you, Sis! Do you want to know what’s it’s like to have another woman down there? Maybe, you want to know what it would be like to have two penises at the same time. (No judgement here). This is all about who you want to bring inside of your bedroom. You are the one who have to sit through it, don’t you want to be enjoying it? Not watching the clock?
When you think about who, you want to bring into your bedroom. It should be someone who fits into your couple style. If you can pick the girl, pick the girl (or guy). If you don’t, at least have a conversation with the person. Remember, this is your bedroom your opening up. It shouldn’t be something done lightly. It shouldn’tjust be something you do to check off a box. A threesome is still a form of sex. Which means it’s still an exchange of energy, so why not make it count?
One day, I was watching Claws and Uncle Daddy was getting ready to celebrate his 30th anniversary with his wife. He said the key to a happy marriage, is to marry the right woman. He kissed his wife and then his boyfriend walked up next to him. As ridiculous as that scene was, it’s true. When you’re picking your mate, it must go beyond the surface level shit. Your relationship should be the ultimate safe zone, you shouldn’t be “hiding” parts of yourself from your mate. So, if you want a girlfriend or boyfriend, you shouldn’t be afraid to bring up that subject.
If we, as women, can walk down the street with our nipples and ass hanging out, why can’t you have a threesomes? Why must we shame other women, for having a good time? I know that I probably dropped a bomb on a few people, but if you walk away from this and only get, “Am is bisexual” than your missing the point. The point is that it’s your bedroom, your man, your vagina, YOU GET TO MAKE THE RULES.
Only you can decide if a threesome is company or a crowd. When you make the decision, do it from a place of curiosities, not from fear or from “the disease to please”. YOU make the choice (or not), whatever you do, don’t be the crazy lady on the radio reflecting your toxic relationship views, or judging others because they’re with the shits.
I want us as black women to embrace our sexual complexities. To know that our body is not just for male consumption, glaze or approval. We should feel confident in not only telling our partners what we want. But demanding that all our sexual needs are met. If that can only be done with two penises or with a woman licking your box, then Sis, it just is what it is! That doesn’t make you a “freak” or a “hoe”, it just makes you a fully realized woman, who knows what the fuck she wants!
-AM