“Tryna follow my own advice. Too many of my friends approaching 30, upset that they aint nobody's wife. I know better than to rush hmm, That's suicide"
- Rapsody, A Rollercoaster Jam Called Love
Sis, do you watch OWN’s Black Love series? If not, after you read this, track it down. It’s a must see! Can we just take a moment and praise Oprah? OWN is on a roll!
This series was a breath of fresh air. It was beautiful to see men speak openly about falling in love. As well as their short-comings in love. Like everyone, I went on social media and the responses were disheartening. There was status after status about how they will never find “that type of love”. As though this was a fantasy show and not an actual documentary. Most people missed the entire point. Which was that, no matter your financial status or upbringing love takes time, patience and work.
For a long time, I had a false belief about relationships. I didn’t look at them as this extra part of my life. I looked at it, as a necessity. I went in looking for the person to complete me. I went in thinking: If I just found “the one”, I will be happy. Then everything that was wrong, would magically become fixed. Relationship after relationship, I was giving away my power. Each break-up, felt like a chunk of myself was taken away. It was brutal. So much so, that I vowed to not to get into another relationship. This is also known as a hoe-phase
During this phase, I got serious about what I wanted in a mate. I refused to settle for just anyone. This phase taught me to separate great sex from genuine feelings. I also noticed the more I didn’t want the relationship, the more it seemed the guy wanted one. Then one summer night, I met the guy who had everything on my list. I forgot all logic and threw everything out the window. I just knew he was the one. That’s when I made the fatal mistake- yes, he had everything on my list. But that didn’t mean, he was ready to go there. I didn’t realize it then, but a relationship is two people coming together. That means each person have their own perception of life, past mistakes and insecurities that come with them. I thought that being in love was enough. I didn’t factor in his growth or my own. That’s when I learned, there is levels to this relationship shit.
To make a long story short, I was ready for a serious relationship. My boyfriend however was not. Despite our differences we still grew close, but under a different pretense. He told me things as a friend versus my boyfriend. He forced me to make my own decision. He challenged my intentions and asked me constantly “Is this what you want?” Despite having found this great friend. I was scared as hell to lose him. At one point, I honestly didn’t think I could survive losing him. That scared the hell out of me. I kept telling myself: I must survive him. I didn’t realize it then, but trying to survive him, helped me I stumbled upon myself.
That’s when I realized, that I had it all wrong! Finding him didn’t fill the whole in my heart. Only learning and falling in love with myself did that. We put so much power into “having a man”, that we forget, we are the prize. It’s an honor for any man to step into our presence. It’s not our job to make him feel comfortable and accepting of us. But, we must know that. Looking back on it, God gave me a break. He knew that I had the right intentions, but I still had to get the “me” part right. It’s on YOU to make yourself whole. No one else can do that for you.
I truly believe that if you do the work on YOU, then the fairy tale ending will come. You will find someone who makes the time stand-still. Because it’s your right. You deserve that! You deserve to have someone look at you, how Viola looks at Julius. Or how Tia blushes like a teenage girl, whenever she talks about Corey. You deserve the world. But you have to believe that in your heart. And stop worrying about the package and timing. And please stop focusing on “not having” a man, that will keep you not having.
The universe will send you the person for you. But you have to start walking towards it. You have to become what you want to bring in your life. If you want loyal unconditional love, you must first give that to yourself. If you want trust, you should trust, that the universe will provide. The thing about life is you must take steps towards the things you want. When you do, you will find someone who gets you. Not just your representative, but the real you.
The person for you will force you to accept everything about yourself, including the ugly parts. This person will mirror your frustrations and shortcomings. They will give you love, comfort and support; but they will also challenge you. Real love is not easy. Real love is constantly looking at yourself and being ok with that reflection. Until you take the time to love on you, every single relationship will ultimately fail.
The person for you, will be patience with you. They will hold space for who you are, not who they want you to become. Anything less than that, is selling yourself short. Yes, love is about sacrifices and compromises, but never at the extent of yourself. The only way to know your boundaries, is getting comfortable with yourself. The best gift you can give your future partner, is you coming into the relationship whole.
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