"How long should I stay dedicated?
How long 'til opportunity meet preparation?
I need some real nigga reparations."
- Nipsey Hussle
I have written two letters saying goodbye to Honestly Sis. Both times I couldn't bring myself to type the words. I almost gave up. I wrote all about my shortcomings, my frustrations, and doubts. Looking back over the letter, I could see how it was whiney and a little selfish.
Underneath all that was one very real emotion-disappointment. I was disappointed in myself and the lack of growth in Honestly Sis. The truth was I was comparing myself to others. I was focused on numbers and trying to find a way to turn it into dollars signs. Then something happened, suddenly I had people reaching out to me asking about Honestly Sis. I even had one of you check me, to make sure her name was on the list. I had a friend tagging me in content. Family casually asking me if it was all over. The feeling all this gave me was unimaginable. It was like God was sending me signs that I can't let this go.
Despite my "numbers", this was showing me was that I made an impact. Honestly Sis was growing. My stories, no matter how silly I think they are- someone- you are- counting on them. That is something you can’t put a number or price tag on. What we are building is special. We have truly created a community and a safe place.
I will be honest. I got caught up in the hype. I wanted to look like I was doing something. I wanted to prove to everyone that I am someone. I was looking for external validation. When I first started this, it was pure and from the heart. Because of my passion- it grew naturally- organically. My ego and accounting brain wanted to make it more. I lost my pure intentions and started playing the social media game. The minute I did that the growth stopped. It stopped being fun and turned into a burden.
Looking back on it, I can see where I went wrong. I didn't run my race. I didn't go with the flow. I tried to control the process to be calculated and I got burned. But this isn't just something I do in business or my creative life. I do this in literally every area of my life. It's a defense mechanism that I picked up from my childhood. Plot, plan, and predict. But life is not a mathematical equation.
I’m realizing that my creative projects, like people, can’t be rushed. Like a new mom, I’m going to nurture my creative babies. I can’t force them to be what I want them to be. Like a romantic relationship, I can’t rush it or force it to take the path that I want. All I can do is love it, nurture it and pray that it becomes everything I dream it could be. Everything in me is telling me to ignore reality and follow my heart. It’s telling me to stop playing the social media game and just see this through to the end.
I am writing this to let you know, that I am committed to this space. No matter where my journey takes me, what I can promise you is that you will receive a letter. Bi-weekly or monthly. I’m not sure, but you will hear from me! From now until it’s time to upgrade. I am done comparing myself to others. To trying to compete with these established brands and multimillion-dollar companies. I apologize for leaving you hanging through this pandemic. BUT I am only human.
No more explaining, convincing, and trying to fit in. As Drake says, "when you're custom made you're born to stand out." I’m stepping into my power, owning my uniqueness, and running my race. There is no one like me and it's time I act like it. I’m locked in: will you come along for the ride?
-Blessings, AM
JOURNAL PROMPT:
What is one thing you would DO if no one had to know?