"Life is your birthright, they hid that in the fine print. Take the pen and rewrite it."
- Beyoncé
My "awakening" began when I was twenty years old. I was going into my junior of college, and my Granny had just died. She was everything to me and my only real safe place. A day later, I found out that I was pregnant. People say that there is no way to know the moment that you conceive, but I knew. I remember flying back to school with a friend and jokingly saying, “I’m pretty sure I got pregnant this weekend.”
I felt attached to her the minute that I knew it was real. But that was also when the fear kicked in. I had just broken up with the Father, and we weren't on the best of terms. But then again, I’ve never been good at break-ups. At the time, my Mom and I had a close relationship. So I didn't think twice to tell her about the pregnancy. She told me that things like this happen and not to beat myself up. After a good cry and talk, she told me that she would be there for me. Her words gave me comfort but talking to the Father was another story.
It wasn't long before I realized that I couldn't possibly have this baby. The situation with the Father escalated from bad to ugly. Being from a broken home, I knew how this story would play out. After the fifth argument, I knew there was no way I could bring a child into this situation. She deserves better than that. I've seen that movie and was living proof that it never ends well. So, despite this nagging feeling, I made an appointment.
As the days grew closer to the appointment, I began to imagine the possibility of life with this baby. The idea of seeing this seed get bigger and our bond growing made my heart warm. My feelings started to waver. Even at that early stage, I could feel the baby weighing in on my food choices. She was a picky eater. But never made me sick. Not once. The day before the appointment, I thought about my cousins who had gotten pregnant at my age (or younger). I thought about the girls from high school, who now had full-grown kids, and thought surely if they could do it. I could do it too.
I thought, maybe, just maybe, this baby would give me all the motivation that I needed. Yeah, the Father and I weren't a perfect space. But eventually, we will be fine. I could mature and get over it for her. That night I came to terms with the fact that we wouldn’t get married. But I knew that we would do what's best for the child. Weighing the pros and cons, I had made my decision to change my mind. Now, I just had to tell my Mom.
There wasn't a thought in my mind that my Mom wouldn't support me. See, she had got pregnant in college around the exact same age. She told me the story of how my Granny wasn't happy about it. They had gone months without speaking. But eventually, my Granny got over it. Then she had me. I thought surely from her past experience, my Mom would get it. She would respect my choice and be encouraging. I thought she would wrap her arms around me and say that we would get through this! But that Lifetime movie scene did not happen. What happened was much worse.
She yelled at me and thoroughly cursed me out. She told me that it was a dumb decision and that she was disappointed in me. How could I possibly finish a five-year MBA program with a kid? She ended the phone call by telling me that she wouldn't be helping me- so I better figure it out. To say that I was hurt would be an understatement. It felt like some cruel joke had been played on me. Just a few days ago, she said she would support me. Just a few days ago, I thought she understood me. A paralyzing fear ran through my body. I had built up all this courage and was cut down in a single phone call. I hung up the phone, knowing there was only one thing to do.
No matter how much I loved this baby. I couldn’t take care of it. I could barely take care of myself. I could have gone through without the support of the Father. But there was no way I could do it without my Mom. So, the following morning, I went to my appointment. The entire day was an outer of body experience. I kept hoping that someone would say: “Hey, you don’t have to go through with this.” Or for one person to just ask me: “Are you sure you want to do this?” But it wasn’t like the movies.
There was no savior to fly in to help me with this moral dilemma. No group of protestors to shame me away from my decision. It was just an ordinary day. The people in the client had seen plenty of girls who looked just like me. There was no look of pity or even sympathy. In fact, they seemed bored. For them, they were just doing a job. No one cared that I was screaming on the inside, not wanting to go through with this. Yet I kept walking. Even as I was lying back on the table, I kept hoping that someone, anyone, would come to save me. But it never happened.
When it was all over, I was thrown back into my body. I had never felt so alone in my life. I felt empty inside. I curled up into a ball and cried. So loud that the nurse came into the room to ask me if I was ok. (Which only made me cry harder.) I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of what I had just done. The woman stood there a little while longer and then told me that she could take me to the next room. It was then that I realized she didn't even care about me being in pain. She just wanted the bed.
That summer was the most depressing summer of my life. I barely ate, slept, or talked to my family and friends. I didn't do anything. I sat in the house for months. What saved me was school. One day I realized that I would have to go back. The idea of going back to school in the state that I was in scared the hell out of me. So, I enrolled myself in therapy. That summer taught me that no one was going to save me or protect me. I had to protect myself. Plus, if I gave up on school, I wouldn't just be giving up on myself. But my daughter and all of it would have been for nothing. So I forced myself to get it together. Looking back, that summer changed my life.
The following Fall, I would sit in a personal finance class and realize that accounting wasn't for me. I would then spend the next ten years trying to undo all the things that led me to that point. It still blows my mind to think that I would have a whole ass kid by now. A couple of months ago, I sat down to have breakfast with my Dad. After not speaking to one another, he asked me why I never told him that I was pregnant before. The question was like a gut-punch. My Mom had told him all about it. He told me that it bothered him, that I didn't feel comfortable enough to tell him about it. But the truth was that I didn't realize he was an option. I was so trapped in my mind and fear that I didn’t even consider other options.
When I returned home from breakfast, I cried for my baby all over again. I realized then that the wound had never been healed. I just stop thinking about her. I tried to move forward, but she was always there. I carried the pain of giving up on her like a second skin. But as I write this letter, I realize that while she may have left me physically, she never left me spiritually. In fact, she saved me. In astrology, Chiron is known as a "wounded healer." This asteroid signifies our deepest spiritual wound and if you're able to heal it. It will give you access to healing powers. I feel that my baby was that for me.
She taught me my greatest lesson and was the single entity that woke me up. Losing her made me realize that my life was my own. Which made me start questioning the true meaning of life. We may never understand why things happen. But we have to know that it all happens for a reason. Chiron was sent to awaken me. Because of our experience together. I now have that burning desire to awaken others. We will never know why bad things occur in our life. But what I have come to know for sure is that it all happens for a purpose. Even if we don’t get it. Everything that happens to us is to help us evolve into the most excellent version of ourselves. The trail- especially- the hardest one is given to mold you- not destroy you. Difficulties are never personal, and it's something that we all have to experience. But life is personal, and only you can decide how you will live it. You can live your life in fear, stuck in your box forever. Or you can feel the fear and do it anyway.
Even if you make a "bad" decision, the universe will rearrange itself to put you back on track. Because that's the whole point of being here. To live and live fearlessly. As Drake once said: “everyone dies, but not everyone lives," so what will you do? Are you going to live a life where you’re waiting for someone to save you? Or are you going to create the life of your dreams? The other day, I had to check myself because I was "waiting" for someone to save me once again. For someone to stumble across this newsletter and say, "Wow, I need to invest in this girl!" But life isn't about "waiting." It's about listening to your intuition and creating.
So if you're waiting for God (or anyone) to save you. Sis, I hate to break it to you. But you’re waiting in vain. God created us to see the infinite ways in which he can express himself. Not to have people to save. When God created us, he gave us all the tools we need to succeed in life. Remember, in the bible, it says that we are "made in God-image." But I think we have said it so much that we have forgotten what it truly means. So let me remind you:
YOU are made in God-image. Meaning
YOU ARE God IN LIVING FLESH. Save your damn self!