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Hey Ladies, A Word of Advice

"Refer to me as a goddess, I'm tired of being modest." - Tierra Whack

I Do Not Own This Art

My very first plant was a money tree named Money. It was the first plant that I've watched grow from a baby plant to damn near a mini tree. As much as I like to think it's because of my great green thumb, it is not. Money's growth speaks more to her resilience than my tender care. One day I noticed Money's leaves were starting to yellow more than usual. I hadn't added any new soil since her pot upgrade. So I dumped some new solid on top of the old dirt. Then I went to sleep. The following day I woke up and found the entire plant tipped over. Soil was everywhere, and I was pissed. But I had no one to blame but myself.

That morning, I had to stop everything and not only clean up the mess but repot Money. I removed all of the dirt from the pot. Then placed the plant back inside. Slowly, I mixed in the new soil with the old. It took time and me getting my hands dirty, but finally, Money was repotted. That morning it felt like the universe was telling me: Stop rushing to get things done and take your time to get it right.

For most of my life, I had one single focus, Find love. Growing up, I had a box filled with Disney movies. When I wasn't watching movies, I had my head in a book. I loved love stories and love even more. I kept a string of crushes all out of arms reach and would spend hours fantasizing about how great my love life would be! My love life was anything but a fairy tale when I finally came of age. My relationships were full of drama, tears, and second chances.

But this year, I found myself writing in my journal: For the first time in my life, love is not the first thing on my mind. You would think that moment would be filled with pride, and look how far I have come moments. But it wasn't. Instead, that moment was filled with terror. Who the hell have I become?

As black women, it is baked in our DNA to love, nurture, and protect a black man. Sometimes, oftentimes, to the extent of ourselves. We see how the world treats them, and we do everything in our power not to make them feel that way. Regardless of if he is willing to do the same for us. We, as black women, have chosen to collectively pick the black man up and put them over our agenda. But where has that gotten us?

In a world full of Future’s, Nick Cannon, and NBA YoungBoy offspring- not only are we not protected by our men. We have those very same men praising "foreign" women while putting down the same woman that looks like them. It’s infuriating, and yet, we still ride for black men. When will we come to understand that the underlying factor of a “ride or die” relationship is that it has to go both ways?

Nowadays, it seems as though everyone has settled into the belief that love isn’t for them. Or they will take anything from a partner just to have a piece of love. It feels like women have collectively lowered their standards to have a man. Especially, if he has a million or two in the bank account. There are countless True Crime stories of women with 'picture-perfect social media profiles' with the love of their life. Only to wind up missing on cross-country road trips.

Society has drilled this scarcity mentality into our minds and somewhere along the line, we started to believe it. Most women will settle for anything. Even if that means putting their life or the lives of children at risk. Instead of us, women, demanding better. We have taken it upon ourselves to become just like the man. "Using" him before he can use us- not realizing that all we are doing is creating a culture of hurt, untrustworthy people. It's depressing and exhausting. But I refuse to conform to social media standards. If all this tarot and healing has taught me anything, it’s that we have a choice.

That choice starts with what we are willing to acceptin a relationship. Society has told us that we, as black women, are unlovable and too strong. And on some subconscious level, we have started to internalize it. Moving in the world scared and dating like a game of musical chairs. Fearing that we will be the ones left alone without a partner. So we will do anything to get down the aisle, even if it means pushing another woman out the way.

Last Fall, I decided to start doing love reading. Not to predict when this next great love would come into my life. But to get divine insight on how to attract my divine mate. What I have learned is that to attract a healthy and whole partner. You, too, have to be healthy and whole —all on your own.

In my Getting Into The Vortex deck, a card says, “I Intend to Co-Create from My Place of Positive Attraction.” The card reads as follows:

The individual creators coming together must be in a place of positive attraction before they come together, or nothing positive can come out of the co-creation. If you are negatively focused and not feeling good, you can only attract others who are in the same state of negative vibration. That is why looking for a mate from a place of insecurity, or lack can never bring you the mate you really want, but instead only brings the one who amplifies your current lack.

Society has told us that marriages don't work. That 50% of marriages end in divorce. Yet it hasn’t stopped people from trying to get down the aisle. That is because relationships, love, companionship are basic human needs. We are not meant to be in this world alone.

Love is essential for our survival as human beings. What if we have been going about this love thing all wrong? What if that is the reason why it hasn't been working? Since the beginning of time, marriage has been about fulfilling this void in your life. Whether that is the women's need for safety. Or the man's need to eat. It has always been about this exchange of power. Not on focusing on the one thing that matters most: Love.

“Reality tells you what you can do. You have to ignore reality to do something new, different, and extreme.”

This is a quote that I have posted on my wall from Rick Rubin. To remind me that to have something different, I have to ignore reality. Ignore society and do me. While it scared me to write that sentence in my journal. I know it’s just a sign that I am changing. I am taking the time to get whole all on my own. So that when my divine mate arrives, he can be the cherry on top of my beautiful life. Not the one thread holding it all together.

This year, I challenge you, whether you are single or in a relationship, to time take the time to pour into yourself. Work to become whole, because our lives, our bodies, and our future children are way too important to rush. So, take the time to slow down and get it right!


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