I love looking at attractive guys and telling my sisters: "He would ruin my life, and I would let him." As a joke. I've read plenty of good sex stories, to know what that means — women stalking men who gave them good dick. But this boy, in particular, didn't ruin my life like that. He destroyed my life, but only for a moment.
I was seeing my gynecologist every six months for my birth control. I saw her in May, right before my birthday and everything was fine. All test results came back negative. Then I saw her in November, for a regular check-up and to see if I could extend my birth control prescription. I get my blood drawn, and I think nothing of it. I expect my results to come back negative. I'm only having sex with one person, and we had only had unprotected sex two or three times.
A couple of days go by, and I get an email saying my results are back. I check them, even though I just knew they would be negative. But when I checked, my world started to collapse. There are two different tests for herpes; one for the herpes simplex IGM and another for herpes HSV IGG. The IGM was positive, noting acute or primary herpes simplex. But the IGG which tests both HSV 1 and 2 both said negative. I was confused. I was sure that there had to be something wrong. I started to google the hell out what this could mean, on top of asking my doctor.
What I researched contradicted what she had told me. She told me I had herpes but what I read said I didn't. I chose to believe her. I'd never been so disgusted with myself. I kept trying to figure out how and when I would tell JT. He had to have known, right? I beat myself up about it. I knew I was going to see him later that week, but something nagged me to tell him then and there. So, I did, and part of me regrets it. I told him then was blocked on everything within 48 hours. Finding out that I had herpes and then him disappearing into the wind, broke me.
I was at my lowest point. Somehow, I forced myself to keep going. My strength came from reading stories about women who had herpes and lived happy lives. Women who got married had children, have successful careers, etc. Some women only had less than ten outbreaks in their life. Reading those stories helped me come out of that dark place, along with the support of family and friends.
There was one person who was there for me that I didn't expect- an ex. I told him about what had happened because he was the last person I had sex with before JT. I wanted him to get tested. His results came back negative, and I thought that would be the end of our communication. But it wasn't. He would call and text to check on me. Spend nights with me. He helped me build my confidence back up. He told me I was beautiful despite my condition. He made sure that I knew I was still worthy of love. We eventually got back together. He knows the risks of being with me and doesn't hold that against me. He loves me for me.
He helped me understand that this is something I have, but it doesn't have me. My family reminds me that I don't have to worry about being alone. Those stories helped me understand that I can and will be happy in the end. If this is your reality and you're struggling to deal with it, know you are not alone. It does get better. It may take a while, but you'll get your happy ending. I can honestly say after three years. I'm satisfied with my life.