Hey girl, it’s Mia, remember me? Let me refresh your memory: I was the girl who had not had her back blown out in 4 years. It wasn’t until I took my birth control out late last year, that I came to realize why. Birth control emits this aura from you that is like kryptonite to your coochie. I know what you’re thinking “Wait, is she saying birth control is repellent to your sex life?” Why, yes sis- I am.
I know that birth control is supposed to keep unwanted pregnancies blues at bay. But I couldn’t but notice, the chemical imbalance that I experienced, while trying to prevent pregnancy also prevented the boys from showing up to my yard! I didn’t realize why until I was gifted, Woman Code by Alisa Vitti, HHC. In it she explains how your body is supposed to work as a woman; then breakdowns how adding birth control to the mix, throw off your body’s natural balance. Because it’s why to complicated to explain, here’s a small excerpt:
“It is important to know that the Pill is not just between you and your uterus. It affects many organs in your body—ovaries, kidneys, liver and heart. It impacts the quality of your blood. It can have serious consequences for your physical health, moods, weight, libido, and personal relationships, and even your connection with yourself. In fact, a famous study—the sweaty T-shirt study—shows that birth control pills interfere with your ability to literally sniff out a mate who’s an ideal genetic match for you. Previous research has found that the more genetically dissimilar two partners are, the lower their rates of miscarriage and the greater their chances are of having a healthy baby as well as happier relationships, more satisfying sex, and a greater likelihood of female orgasm. However, women on the Pill tend to (unconsciously) seek out men with more similar genes, presumably because the Pill mimics pregnancy. As a result, if the body thinks you’re pregnant, then you’re not looking for a mate, you would already have one, and will only be open to building friendships. In other words, the Pill hijacks your innate, hardwired ability to select an optimal partner. If someone you love was about to take a meditation that did all that, you’d want to check in with her about it.” (Woman Code 84-85)
This snippet only scratches the surface of the effects of birth control on your body. After reading, how this drug can wreak havoc on your life, I realized that it wasn’t for me anymore. There are other noninvasive ways to prevent pregnancy- like condoms. My journey of no sex started because I wanted to really work on me, as cliché as that sounds. I knew that something was wrong. But I couldn’t pinpoint what it was or where to begin to fix it. All I knew was that, I did not want to be one of those girls hollering ‘Men ain’t shit’. Because let’s be honest, you have to take some of that blame. After the fourth, eighth, or seventeenth ‘Men ain’t shit’ , you must know that some of the blame is on you, in some way, shape, or form. What I did know, was that I did not want to be THAT GIRL.
So, I started doing the work and began a journey of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable (which still isn’t any easier than when I started.) That included finding what made me happy, trying new things, and getting to know myself. I start being healthy for myself, for no other reason than to be healthier. I made a bucket list a few years back, that I hadn’t checked off one thing since I graduated college. So, I got back to checking things off, like sky diving before the age of 25. I read a lot of great books and did some traveling. I learned going to the movies alone, had simple joys like not having to worry about finding two seats together for a popular film. I found my boundaries of what I am willing to compromise on and what I absolutely will not stand for in my relationships, with anyone. All in all, I did it, I did all the work. Then I started to transition into a space where I was ready to start dating more than myself again. My pitfall began when I felt like I was ready but it was not happening for me.
I’m not going to hold you up, there were a few nights when I let the fact that my two married best friends get to tugging on my sentimental side. I wanted a boo and my friends. We go through stages within our friendships. You grow individually and together (if you are fortunate enough). Both of my best friends transitioned from normal “young women” priorities to family oriented priorities. And the change was dramatic. We went from talking all night on the phone, having late nights together, to trying to find time in our schedules that worked for us to meet up. Sometimes those girlfriends, you see everyday are now only available one or two days out of the week (or month).
Life as grownups isn’t always peaches and day parties. That’s why dating myself first was so important. If there is no man, your friends aren’t available, and your family lives too far- you can always enjoy your own company. The most valuable part of dating myself was learning to like and love myself first. If you don’t like you, how is someone coming along, to say they like you going to matter? I learned that I need to be happy on my own, before I can invite someone into my space. I took that pheromone hating -baby preventing -juice out of my body and the change was obvious. Now I’m filtering through DMs of guys who I once had a crush on and men trying to shoot their shot at me. I am not trying to brag but things went from tumbleweeds to the Titanic. (It’s going down.)
I have been having men checking for me left and right- from the east and the west. I’m excited for dating because I’m a better version of me than 5 years ago. The men that I've been attracting are marginally better candidates. And I think it’s because of the confidence I exude (and the absence of birth control). I took the time to love myself first and it shows. Without birth control screwing with my hormones and fucking up my pheromones it has been lit. The options of relationships in all forms; romantic, sexual and otherwise are flowing my way. If you happen to be pumping that poison in your body and find your relationships circling the drain- do yourself two favors: Read Woman Code and stop taking that shit.
Until next time:
“Dream them dreams. Then man-up and live them dreams, because a life without dreams is black and white. And the universe flows in technicolor and surround-sound.”- The Late Great Combat Jack!