I honestly didn’t think I would ever be in a relationship. Most of the time, my friends and I can agree I am THAT picky. For example, I cannot see myself dating a short guy, flashy guys, professional athletes, pretty boys, guys with bad hygiene and pretty much any other things that are a major turn off too me.
I remember wearing a shirt to this Valentine’s Day dance in middle school that said, Tease. It was a whole thing. If I’m being totally honest, I have given flirtatious vibes and led a couple of guys on, sometimes knowingly and others unknowingly. There have also other times when I’m just a nice person and that has been taken out of context. But as I’ve grown up and learned to love myself, I’ve learned a lot. I would not classify myself as a tease, so much as I’ve learned I can be a very closed-off individual due to my fear of letting someone in.
When I took my break from dating men and began to date myself it was a difficult transition, initially. I had to figure out what brought me happiness and what was I doing with my life. I had to explore and learn who I was completely, before thinking about being with someone else. You see, it was never just about dating. The ‘self-help’ books I was reading, often included themes about finding your purpose in life. Because people tend to lose themselves in relationships. So, on top of taking myself to the show, scheduling massages, a diligent skincare routine and creating vision boards every year. I also signed up for a life coach.
A friend, Allynn Taylor, from college, had just started her journey of becoming a life coach. She began it after countless text threads of positive affirmations to a handful of friends. Over time, it grew tremendously. It was divine timing when she reached out and asked me to be a part of her first online class. I was serious about making life changes! So, I took the “creative insight journey” class and met a bunch of great people, that were also working on making changes for the better. We did all types of soul work like written exercises, peer calls, and individual assignments. I had some of the most enlightening and engaging conversations I had ever had in life. I found out true success isn’t in making a larger than life plan, but coming up with several smaller goals to reach that large one.
I’m so blessed to say, the things I prayed about I saw come into fruition. I’m no longer working a job that gives me anxiety and I stepped out on faith to pursue my passion in film. Though I’m not where I want to be, I’m also not where I was before. So far, I’ve written for Honestly Sis, a blog, helped write on a script for the show I’m working on and started an Instagram story series. I’m learning all the ins and outs of production just like I wanted to and I’m on my second podcast. Even though I started late, I started.
I’m learning to edit next! So, when the money does come it will be good money while doing something I love. If I never made a dime, I’d still be happier than when I was making decent money in IT. I’ve grown tremendously and I’m very proud of that growth. But what I’m most proud of is, that I had the courage to start putting the works behind my faith. I’m in awe how being more open has brought me lots of opportunities and how much I was in my own way!
I’m constantly learning how to love myself and what that looks like for me on my soul journey. But my biggest take away was to remember to give myself and others lots of grace, we are all just human. I’m learning “loving me” means to constantly challenge myself to be better than I was before. It’s constantly loving myself over everyone else, (except God) and being gentle with myself like I am others. I’ve learned self-care isn’t just pedicures and sunny vacations, it includes parenting your inner child and a lot of reprogramming. It also includes taking a hard look at yourself and working on those not so good traits.
Toxic behavior is not cute and I’m trying my best every day to work on mine. I want to be the best version of myself first and foremost. If I happen to meet a dope companion to match my fly and share my life with that’s amazing. If I take the Goldie Hawn or Auntie Oprah approach in life, hey that’s cool too.
I choose me first and I’m putting my faith in God for the rest. I promise to love myself even through the hard times, treat myself good, and exude love. For now, that is simply enough.
I’m crushing on my motherfucking self sis and I hope you are too.