" Even back then - with tears in my eyes, I always knew I was the SHIT. "
Back in September, I told you one of my biggest problems was self-sabotage. I am the Queen of Excuses! But since "the event", those excuses just don't feel good anymore. (It also wasn't getting me anywhere!). So I made a vow, that self-sabotaging won't make it into 2019. I also promised myself, that I wouldn’t buy another self-help book, until I applied the shit I’ve already read. It was time for me to take the next step and do the real work.
From all the self-help books I've read, I knew that it was important to get to the “root” of the problem. When it came to self- sabotage, it always came back to my childhood, and as cliche as it sounds, my parents. Have you ever heard the phrase:
“The child who never grew up, has won”?
Children are pure. They come into this world knowing their purpose, Mom and happiness. Kids know what they are meant to do and gravitate towards it naturally. The only people they care about keeping happy, is their parents. And this is typically where the shit show begins.
At a very young age, your parents begin to form your view of the world. Knowingly and unknowingly, they are responsible for shaping what a child think they can achieve. Your parents sets limits on how big you can dream and how far you think you can go. The best parents, are the ones who embrace their child curiosity. Without the tint of realism. While the worst can stifle their child because of their own fears and shortcomings. That’s the power of being a parent. You have the opportunity to form a human being to your will.
I image this is also the downside of being a parent, because you can no longer look at the world through pure eyes. Most parents have been jaded. Things have happened to them and they grow to feel like the world isn’t shit. In turn, they end up spending their energy trying to protect their child versus nurture them. And honestly, who can blame them? The world can be a horrible place. But what happens to the kids of these parents? The ones who have had their dreams shot down, confidence shaken, and have only been given “practical” advice?
My theory is one of two things happen to them: (1) They become a clone of their parents’ wishes. Striving to live a life that was designed for them and not living the life they are destined to lead. Or (2) They rebel against everything that was taught to them and try to live a life completely unlike their parents. Who wins? The honest answer is no one.
The truth is that we are not only molded by our childhood, but by the fears of our parents and what happened while inside the womb. In a recent, New Earth Mystery class, my teacher Maryam Hasnaa, talked about her experience of going back into the womb. The story is wild and I won’t go into details. The main takeaway was, that the very thing she struggled with in her adult life, was exactly what her Mom struggled with while pregnant with her. I know this sounds wild, but just stay with me.
One of my biggest triggers is when I feel like someone is trying to control me. My Mom got pregnant with me during her junior year of college. She was down in Ohio. My Dad was back in Detroit, and he didn't like the idea of my Mom being all the way in Ohio. He asked her to come home, she said no.
So, he went behind her back, cried to my Granny and they both pressured her. Until she agreed to come home. We have had many talks about this time and she often wonders how different her life would have been if she would have stayed. Moving back to Detroit, was not only a lost of independence but freedom and control. See, how my trigger is directly related to my birth story?
So, please know that sometimes the shit that you're struggling with, isn't even about you. Most times, it's things that you're bloodline has been struggling with for decades and it has been presented to you, to try to break the curse. Generational curses don't care about your religious background. Whether you want to believe it or not, they are very real.
The way that I've learned to overcome this, is just by being honest with myself. I have acknowledged that shit that has happened in my life. I've taken the time to admit, “Yes, this happened, it hurt and made me feel a way.” I got real about my parent’s shortcoming and figured out ways to overcome them in my own life. I also used techniques such as, Reiki, sound healing, tapping/EFT and affirmations to help overwrite those triggers. These triggers are what keeps us from living our best life.
I didn’t have the best childhood. I was bullied at school, teased around the neighborhood, and ridiculed by my cousins. To say my childhood sucked would be an understatement. I was constantly crying and feeling like an outsider. My only safe zone was my Granny and a good books (hence the writer in me). I’ve spent most of my life being talked about simply for being me. Now, I’m not only trying to build something but I'm trying to build it around my life. Naturally, there is still a part of me that doesn’t feel like I’m good enough, pretty enough or cool enough to write about my life. Daily, I have to swallow my doubts, fears, and insecurities to turn my dreams into reality.
A while back, Arian Foster posted a video, about a case study for hospice patients. The study asked people on their deathbed, what was their number one regret in life. The top answer was: not living the life they wanted to live. Meaning, a lot of people went to their deathbed living their life for other people.For twenty-four years, I tried to please people at the expense of my own sanity. I hit rock bottom and those samepeople I was trying to please, couldn't even give me a hand up. I have had people who I thought would be there forever, turn their back on me simply because, I choose myself. It sucks to lose people! But, I refuse to go back to living a life thatisn't mines. In the words of the beautiful Tracy G:
"I cannot be chained to anyone's wrinkled version of me. If my present is their problem, let that be a parting gift."
I am no longer blaming my parents or myself, for decisions that I made in the past. I forgave myself for not knowing better, for not fighting or standing up for myself. I realize that at the end of the day, parents are only human. Who have their own parents, their own childhood disappointments and things that they struggle with on a daily basis. So, there really is no need to hold onto anger or resentment. Your parent, like you, did what they believed was the right thing at the time. It’s time to stop running from childhood pains. Acknowledge it, embrace your inner child, forgive yourself and move the fuck forward.
Here's Are A Few Affirmations from Chani Nicholas:
Wanting to be anywhere else disempowers me.
Wanting to be anyone else disrespect me.
Wanting something other than the lessons I am
learning is a waste of my precious energy
-AM
Until next time:
“Dream them dreams. Then man-up and live them dreams, because a life without dreams is black and white. And the universe flows in technicolor and surround-sound.”- The Late Great Combat Jack!